Monumental Piles of Yin and Yang

Yin: There's been a lot of death going around recently. My friend and coworker came into work one day crying. One of her best friends had just died, but between her crying she tried to laugh it off anyway and move on with her day. My boss's friend died only a few days later. I have another friend who's father has just died only a couple months ago. Even famous people I respect and have never known are dying. Tim Russert and George Carlin, just to name a few in the past couple weeks. Maybe it is that ten-year mark where all the plants must burn so that new plants may grow. Who knows. Maybe death just tends to have short bursts where it is not necessarily more imminent, just more noticeable to any one group of people. People are always dying, but we only notice some of the time.

Half of the time I'm awake and alive I feel on the edge of mortality... like the clock is ticking and I'm not doing anything to make sure that I'm putting the life I was given to any use, and it's going to be too late when I actually get the guts to do anything. During the winter months when all the day-to-day business and the outdoor activities and the animals breeding and everybody's metabolism comes to a total crawl it is easy to be okay with your life moving so so slow because that's how the world is, and dying miserable and lonely and unproductive isn't something most people do, so when most people are like you for a while it is easy to be optimistic about your impending doom.

So when Summer comes around it's really really evident how much time you are wasting, because everybody else is going out and doing things every day and the sun is shining that beautiful golden LA-sun color, even if it's doing so at 106 degrees Fahrenheit. And if you have job troubles you can't look for a new one because it's that time of year where the demand for jobs spikes tremendously and most other people are more qualified than you.

Yang: So I'm not wasting as much time anymore. I'm eating better and I'm walking more and I'm saving money but I'm also blowing it on adventures, because out of all the things I might like to buy, it's the adventures that are going to matter when I am old, and it's the adventures that keep me sane and actually make me happy. I don't smell like cheese because I take better care of myself.
I don't really believe in being reborn by your own hands. When you're a self-doubting self-conscious self-loathing dude it's easy to think that changing all the things you want to change about yourself is going to make you a better person, but it won't. I'm still the same guy I was, I just am trying to pursue happiness instead of not caring or just dicking around all the time. Sometimes you can sell your soul for friends, and that works just fine and dandy but when they leave you, it's okay to wake up and realize that it wasn't meant to be anyway, and move on. Loneliness isn't really something to be ashamed of, but it's something you shouldn't have to live with anyway.
This summer smells promising. I'm going up to San Francisco with one of my wonderful friends and seeing my favorite band play with some of my other favorite bands, and I'm going to a bunch of amazing shows, and I'm doing things that I've been putting off for a long time. I trim my beard and comb my hair (up, so it doesn't count, does it?).
I think for once in my life, I'm wearing clothes that fit, and I mean that in more ways than one.